I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize