Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
