Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
