I love having hate sex.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
