im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
