Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
