i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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