i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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