i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
