farters have to be the big spoon...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
