This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
