your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
