I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize