You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
