Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
