i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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