Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
