I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
