i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
