Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
