Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
