Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
