when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
