sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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