She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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