the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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