i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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