wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
