I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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