so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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