The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
