doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
