this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
