i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
