if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
