I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
