it wasn't lemon gatorade
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
