Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
