Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize