I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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