You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i was born a porn star she said
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
