I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Houston, we have a squirter
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
