Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
