I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
