Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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