i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
