Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
