Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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