There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
