Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
