Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
