I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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