Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Bring me that man meat
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
