can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
